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| "much love, much hope, much power to kick ass" ~wall quote from Jennifer  I loved reading this. It's pretty darn empowering. I'm just going to repeat it over and over for a while. So I know I promised a tirade in my last entry and I get to it eventually (I promise, my anger won't go away anytime in this life) but the media and the world just keeps providing more and more ridiculousness for me to bash. Here's the twisted quote of the day: "Instead of trying to find a way to fit exercise into my life, I arrange my schedule around exercise, which means I may not be able to get everything done in one day. But working out is my priority." I found this in that great Bible of health, Fitness Magazine. I met and interviewed to work with the woman, Judith Beck Ph.D., director of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research, and author of The Beck Diet Solution Weight Loss Workbook. She seemed very nice but I would question her priorities in this quote. Relationships suffer from placing exercise first and foremost in life. Judith is married but if I was her husband, I would not be too pleased if she said, "Sorry, honey, I'm just too tired from my workout today to do ANYTHING." I mean, I would feel terrible telling my kids, "I just can't make it to your game today, munchkin. I didn't take my run yet today." I understand that I'm coming at this quote from a different position; I have a bad track record with exercise obsession. Based on the obesity rates in this country, it seems like the typical American avoids exercise and may need an extra push. I think she is definitely sending the wrong message though by inferring that life is about exercise. Instead exercise should just play a small part in the grand scheme of living. The things that she cannot accomplish in a day might be significant family time or lunches with friends. Those are important parts of living that she'll regret missing when she's lying on her death bed. (I would hope, at least. If not, she has more serious problems than I'm seeing.) The quote hits a nerve because I look back and regret that I made exercise my priority. I really missed out on a lot of wonderful relationships (and parts of relationships) because of my obsession. It's a struggle to come to terms with not exercising excessively but a lifetime of love and happiness is worth the fight. | | |
| Alright, I get it. The magazine industry has been conspiring and they declared this week would be National Piss-Laura-Off week. I mean, these articles/people are seriously screwed up. My targets are Newsweek and Shape magazines. Ah, and Facebook has a new application. My Diet. It's every girl's dream. Now, on your profile, you can track your weight and let the whole facebook community watch as you go toward an ultimate goal weight. What the fuck is that???!!! I honestly am SO done with the craziness that's going on around us every single fucking day...this shit that encourages us to change ourselves because we are just not good enough as it is. It's only getting worse and the environment that surrounds all of us is so overwhelmingly toxic. I'm sorry for my language. I'm not like this normally but I've really really had enough. I'm sitting here in my bathing suit, getting ready to go outside to tan (yes, in the beginning of October!). This bathing suit is too small and I admit quite honestly that I have a stomach now. I am shocked that I'm not beating myself up about the extra weight but I am not going to buy into our media's idea of perfect. I am not stick thin. My bones are no longer jutting out of my back and I can't count my ribs anymore but you know what? I'm healthy and I feel good about just living and I'm ok. My tirade about the magazine stuff with come later and oh, it will be good.  | | |
| I'm in a place physically which I have not been in for 7 years (yeah, crazy, isn't it?). This caused me to stop today and think that I'm really serious now. After 51 days in treatment, I have finally gone past the old, previously scary weights into a whole new realm of "wow-haven't-seen-that number-since-9th-grade" territory. And well, it feels really terrifying. To clarify things, this whole disorder is NOT about weight or physical appearance so I am really not as vain as I sound. Basically, I have focused on my eating so extensively over the years because diet is something I can concentrate on to avoid dealing with really uncomfortable feelings in my life. Food is something that I can control when everything else seems horrifyingly uncontrollable. It's hitting me though that I am finally at a practically healthy physical point and I'm really going to have to say goodbye to this thing. It has been the closest thing to me and protected me from feeling. It helped me numb out and suppress any uncomfortable feeling; at the same time the eating disorder was killing me. Still, it hurts to let it go. So I keep asking myself the same question today over and over and I don't have an answer yet: When are we (people with eating disorders including me obviously...well, not physically obvious now but still...) going to stop hating ourselves for just nourishing ourselves? Why don't we deserve it and why would we be unlovable if, God forbid, we were healthy? Why do we torture ourselves like this? I am soo damn frustrated with this never-ending disease and the constant necessity of resaying good things to myself until one day, someday I might believe that I'm actually an ok person. | | |
| I had a beyond amazing day which is great considering it started out kinda shitty. I lost weight again this morning which pretty much dictates how the day will go (or at least the morning). If I lose tomorrow, the team gets together to see if I should be discharged and well, I don't feel like going through that whole drama. It would be much easier to just gain the dumb weight and get it over with. So yeah, I was feeling crappy about that and this is after I decided that I would go out on pass with my best friends, the Renfrew girls. I was NOT feeling good about going out considering that I wanted to hide under a rock instead and the anxiety was rising during the entire morning. The hardest part was the waiting time. The pass was for 5:00-8:00 but I get done day treatment at 2:00 and to put it lightly, free time is not good for me. I knew I would be disappointed if I didn't go though so I went to Renfrew and hung out for a while. I got to see Meghan which was extremely important to me. She is quite honestly one of the greatest people I've ever met. I love spending time with her because we can just work off each other and we get along so well. It's nice to have someone that you click with like that. That made the wait much more bearable. Finally at 5:00, Karen, Ashley, Kristy and I caught a cab to Chestnut Hill. To say it was fabulous would be an understatement. I felt so comfortable with those girls and it's been so long since I've spent time with friends and just didn't worry...didn't worry about the time or the food or losing control of the situation in any way, shape, or form. We went to dinner and I honestly did not think about it for a second afterwards. I just enjoyed the company immensely and I wish those girls were in the area forever so we can hang out all the time. I'm going to be quite sad when Karen leaves on Monday and the others gradually leave too. My best friends are all leaving me. Carolyn just called me to say I picked the wrong color paper from AC Moore for her project. I know she's frustrated about it but I thought it was the right thing and I did my best. I went out of my way to do that and I'm personally frustrated right now that she doesn't appreciate the things I do for her. I made a mistake, true, but I don't think I should have to apologize for trying to do her a favor. Ah, goodness, this has turned into a vent so I should stop but it's been a nice long day and I'm so glad that I did not just give in to my anxiety. I would have missed out on a wonderful experience. | | |
| Alright, inviting all laughter now, if you must... I did one of the most challenging things for me this morning. I removed someone from my friend list on facebook. Yeah, I know, it seems like no big deal but it was a huge thing for me. I did it to take care of myself. It's much too painful to watch someone you love live their lives willingly apart from you. I was doing that but I have to be strong and cut out the influences that make me think less about myself at the moment. I have been struggling with this decision for a week now and I finally made it. My hands are shaking but right now, in recovery, my health has to be the priority. I still love this person very much but right now it's just too hard watching him live his life without me. | | |
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